step 8: don't eat with your mouth full
know your eating style
try this experiment. throw a piece of baloney over the fence and watch how your neighbor's pit bull eats it. study his technique and practice doing the exact opposite. if he was too fast for you, just throw the whole bag over. anyway, it's best to let baloney enter the food chain at the dog level...
alternate experiment. if your neighbor had two pit bulls and they killed each other trying to get the baloney and you didn't catch their eating style, you can try this experiment. after eating a satisfying meal, go to a nearby all you can eat buffet. just order a coffee or tea because you won't be hungry. sit down and unobtrusively observe the eating styles of the other patrons. practice doing the opposite....
in rare cases your neighbor may actually get to the baloney before his pit bulls do, or maybe get there at the same time and then beat the dogs back. I would try to make friends with this guy
eating is about style. and most styles I've seen aren't very pretty. evaluate your styles. determine which ones are bad and which ones are just disgusting. eliminate the bad and disgusting ones and replace them with good, decent, reasonable, mannered, and civilized ones. and keep the consulting fee you would have paid me to do it for you...
tips to improve your eating style...
a. some diet geniuses recommend writing down everything you eat. Are they going to pay for your carpal tunnel?
b. try putting just one piece of food in your mouth at a time. a small piece. chew slowly. notice the taste. chew it up good like nobody ever told you when you were a kid. swallow. wait a while before eating the next piece. chew slowly. whoa! I didn't bite my tongue
c. where are all fingers?
don't panic. being addicted to finger food doesn't mean you should just throw up your hands
d. how big do you think your stomach is anyway? and how big would you like it to be?
go to any restaurant and order a main dish. when it comes put it in a resealable plastic pouch and tape it onto your stomach. there. you've just saved yourself a couple of steps. now go back to your tivo (you thought I forgot)
late breaking news...
you are the cause of global warming...
and now the cracking of the polar ice shelf...
the air going into you is high in oxygen. the air coming out of you is high in carbon dioxide and methane. the ratio of these two exiting gasses varies from person to person and is determined by factors that lie well beyond the scope of this blog. suffice it to say that both of them come out hotter and more polluted than the air going in. you aren't going to like the solution I have in mind so just keep eating and breathing as you usually do. but don't exacerbate the problem by swallowing extra air with every bite
speaking of bad air...
you have the right to remain silent...
get to know your O-zone. this is an opening near the bottom of your face that is apparently getting bigger. it has been determined to be the source of your problem in more ways than one. things won't get better until it closes up. anyway, keeping it shut will help conceal your bloodied tongue and maybe even keep you off the evening news
try this experiment. throw a piece of baloney over the fence and watch how your neighbor's pit bull eats it. study his technique and practice doing the exact opposite. if he was too fast for you, just throw the whole bag over. anyway, it's best to let baloney enter the food chain at the dog level...
alternate experiment. if your neighbor had two pit bulls and they killed each other trying to get the baloney and you didn't catch their eating style, you can try this experiment. after eating a satisfying meal, go to a nearby all you can eat buffet. just order a coffee or tea because you won't be hungry. sit down and unobtrusively observe the eating styles of the other patrons. practice doing the opposite....
in rare cases your neighbor may actually get to the baloney before his pit bulls do, or maybe get there at the same time and then beat the dogs back. I would try to make friends with this guy
eating is about style. and most styles I've seen aren't very pretty. evaluate your styles. determine which ones are bad and which ones are just disgusting. eliminate the bad and disgusting ones and replace them with good, decent, reasonable, mannered, and civilized ones. and keep the consulting fee you would have paid me to do it for you...
tips to improve your eating style...
a. some diet geniuses recommend writing down everything you eat. Are they going to pay for your carpal tunnel?
b. try putting just one piece of food in your mouth at a time. a small piece. chew slowly. notice the taste. chew it up good like nobody ever told you when you were a kid. swallow. wait a while before eating the next piece. chew slowly. whoa! I didn't bite my tongue
c. where are all fingers?
don't panic. being addicted to finger food doesn't mean you should just throw up your hands
d. how big do you think your stomach is anyway? and how big would you like it to be?
go to any restaurant and order a main dish. when it comes put it in a resealable plastic pouch and tape it onto your stomach. there. you've just saved yourself a couple of steps. now go back to your tivo (you thought I forgot)
late breaking news...
you are the cause of global warming...
and now the cracking of the polar ice shelf...
the air going into you is high in oxygen. the air coming out of you is high in carbon dioxide and methane. the ratio of these two exiting gasses varies from person to person and is determined by factors that lie well beyond the scope of this blog. suffice it to say that both of them come out hotter and more polluted than the air going in. you aren't going to like the solution I have in mind so just keep eating and breathing as you usually do. but don't exacerbate the problem by swallowing extra air with every bite
speaking of bad air...
you have the right to remain silent...
get to know your O-zone. this is an opening near the bottom of your face that is apparently getting bigger. it has been determined to be the source of your problem in more ways than one. things won't get better until it closes up. anyway, keeping it shut will help conceal your bloodied tongue and maybe even keep you off the evening news
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