step 11: weigh yourself in your underwear in your front yard
some of you have already started to balk at this.
it's called an alibi, kids. you can't see the forest through the gump, can you?
look, just print out the above twelve step program and keep it in your wallet. you never know when you might find yourself in your underwear in your front yard, or in front of city hall for that matter. this single document alone could arguably do more to enhance your legal defense than all the fast talking lawyers in philadelphia. not to mention saving your job.
high weigh
you wouldn't drive across the desert without a working fuel gauge and you wouldn't speed past the state police barracks without a functioning radar detector, would you. that's because you recognize the need for an effective feedback mechanism. you simply have to know how much you weigh in order to know how well you are doing.
my weigh
weigh yourself every morning after you've been up a while but before you eat breakfast. that will be your base weight for the day. you may find it interesting to weigh yourself again at night before you go to bed. the difference between these two weights will give you a range that will prove useful.
no weigh (think outside the boxers)
always weigh yourself in your underwear, or at least clothes of consistent weight so that your clothing does not become an issue while you are evaluating your progress. make sure you are wearing more than just your underwear when you go out to buzz the barracks, especially if you sometimes forget your radar detector.
preparation for weigh-in day
without getting too technical, just know that the gravitational pull of the earth decreases the higher up you go. also, are you aware that your body is about 70% liquid? and that the force exerted by the moon on the oceans is powerful enough to draw them back from their shores?
we do the hard calculating for you (not to be construed as legal advice)
extrapolating from the above, our analysts have determined that your lowest possible weight can best be achieved in your underwear while standing on top of the highest building in town, possibly in high heels, after consuming large amounts of liquid during a full moon at low tide. remember that the U.S. consitution gives you the right to bare arms and probably legs too, but that's all.
copy this tip on the back of your business card and keep it in a safe place.
it's called an alibi, kids. you can't see the forest through the gump, can you?
look, just print out the above twelve step program and keep it in your wallet. you never know when you might find yourself in your underwear in your front yard, or in front of city hall for that matter. this single document alone could arguably do more to enhance your legal defense than all the fast talking lawyers in philadelphia. not to mention saving your job.
high weigh
you wouldn't drive across the desert without a working fuel gauge and you wouldn't speed past the state police barracks without a functioning radar detector, would you. that's because you recognize the need for an effective feedback mechanism. you simply have to know how much you weigh in order to know how well you are doing.
my weigh
weigh yourself every morning after you've been up a while but before you eat breakfast. that will be your base weight for the day. you may find it interesting to weigh yourself again at night before you go to bed. the difference between these two weights will give you a range that will prove useful.
no weigh (think outside the boxers)
always weigh yourself in your underwear, or at least clothes of consistent weight so that your clothing does not become an issue while you are evaluating your progress. make sure you are wearing more than just your underwear when you go out to buzz the barracks, especially if you sometimes forget your radar detector.
preparation for weigh-in day
without getting too technical, just know that the gravitational pull of the earth decreases the higher up you go. also, are you aware that your body is about 70% liquid? and that the force exerted by the moon on the oceans is powerful enough to draw them back from their shores?
we do the hard calculating for you (not to be construed as legal advice)
extrapolating from the above, our analysts have determined that your lowest possible weight can best be achieved in your underwear while standing on top of the highest building in town, possibly in high heels, after consuming large amounts of liquid during a full moon at low tide. remember that the U.S. consitution gives you the right to bare arms and probably legs too, but that's all.
copy this tip on the back of your business card and keep it in a safe place.
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