step 10: exercise
I have never been too keen on exercise. Every time I do it, water comes out of me and I have to put some more back in. But, all the experts say we have got to do it, so in deference to them, and in keeping with my commitment to offer a complete program to my readers, I have included here most of what I think you need to know about the subject.
sounds goofy but look what happened to pluto
If you want to walk, go ahead and walk. If you want to run, I am not going to stop you, unless you have scissors. But there's something I've been wanting to say for a long time and now is the time to say it. When you walk and then flutter your arms real fast as if you are running so as to make people think you are working up a sweat and probably training for the olympics, all you are doing is putting your body out of sequence with itself and you are destabilizing the harmonic balance of the earth as it rotates on its axis. It might not matter much if it was just you, but our monitors have been noting for some time a dramatic increase in this pernicious practice and it has got to stop before something terrible happens, like losing another planet.
exercise is boring if all you do is repetetive movements. you need to either play a high risk game so you don't realize you are exercising, or come to my house and pull weeds. if you decide to pull weeds, make sure you get the ones by the bee hive. Playing loud rap music will help the time go faster. It will also make my neighbor think twice the next time he refuses to bring me my mail.
late breaking announcement:
the DFT second annual meet'n'greet running with the bulls has been postponed indefinitely. you spoke and we listened. look for our latest brochure which upgrades this activity to intermediate level. also, we have a number of red jumpsuits at drastically reduced prices. most worn only once. by poor sports. anyway they were already half off when we found them
coming soon...
how to outrun a swarm of fussy killer bees without working up a sweat
(due to the dearth of information available on this topic, your ideas are welcome)
we know the only reason you've read this far is to get in on our contest. so here it is...
not a sting operation!
win a free jar of honey if your idea is selected and published. you will need to gather the honey and fill the jar yourself.
bring your own four ounce jar and tweezers.
sounds goofy but look what happened to pluto
If you want to walk, go ahead and walk. If you want to run, I am not going to stop you, unless you have scissors. But there's something I've been wanting to say for a long time and now is the time to say it. When you walk and then flutter your arms real fast as if you are running so as to make people think you are working up a sweat and probably training for the olympics, all you are doing is putting your body out of sequence with itself and you are destabilizing the harmonic balance of the earth as it rotates on its axis. It might not matter much if it was just you, but our monitors have been noting for some time a dramatic increase in this pernicious practice and it has got to stop before something terrible happens, like losing another planet.
exercise is boring if all you do is repetetive movements. you need to either play a high risk game so you don't realize you are exercising, or come to my house and pull weeds. if you decide to pull weeds, make sure you get the ones by the bee hive. Playing loud rap music will help the time go faster. It will also make my neighbor think twice the next time he refuses to bring me my mail.
late breaking announcement:
the DFT second annual meet'n'greet running with the bulls has been postponed indefinitely. you spoke and we listened. look for our latest brochure which upgrades this activity to intermediate level. also, we have a number of red jumpsuits at drastically reduced prices. most worn only once. by poor sports. anyway they were already half off when we found them
coming soon...
how to outrun a swarm of fussy killer bees without working up a sweat
(due to the dearth of information available on this topic, your ideas are welcome)
we know the only reason you've read this far is to get in on our contest. so here it is...
not a sting operation!
win a free jar of honey if your idea is selected and published. you will need to gather the honey and fill the jar yourself.
bring your own four ounce jar and tweezers.
limit one jar per entry. family* and affiliates of DFT not eligible. void where prohibited**
*wink
**this is code for you 64 ounce water drinkers
get ready for our next contest...
think you've lost more weight than any of our other readers?
send an e-mail telling us how much you've lost. claims of over 50 pounds should be accompanied by before and after photos
indicate the phase of the moon and tide level at final weigh-in. no photoshopping please. write "big loser" in the subject line
all entries must be notarized by your dry cleaner
a word about contests
If you weren't so greedy, you wouldn't be so easily fooled. You have to understand that voice recognition software isn't quite there yet. Anyway, we apologize to any and all of our gullible "winners" whose feelings were hurt during our free Toy Yoda giveaway contest.
and now, one final exercise tip: join our lost souls club andwalk a mile in someone's shoes
this will save wear and tear on your own shoes. also a mile should tell you how well the shoes fit and by then they will be yours
one last exercise tip.
1. find your old exercise equipment
2. dust it off and use it for more than a clothes rack
one more exercise tip.
1. look at your exercise equipment
2. then look at yourself in the mirror
3. can you tell which one is the dumbbell?
4. which one is most likely to get picked up?
Q. my feet get sweaty when I exercise. are there special socks I can wear to prevent this?
A. sorry but we can't answer that here. if you leave your name and pin number argyle call you
*wink
**this is code for you 64 ounce water drinkers
get ready for our next contest...
think you've lost more weight than any of our other readers?
send an e-mail telling us how much you've lost. claims of over 50 pounds should be accompanied by before and after photos
indicate the phase of the moon and tide level at final weigh-in. no photoshopping please. write "big loser" in the subject line
all entries must be notarized by your dry cleaner
a word about contests
If you weren't so greedy, you wouldn't be so easily fooled. You have to understand that voice recognition software isn't quite there yet. Anyway, we apologize to any and all of our gullible "winners" whose feelings were hurt during our free Toy Yoda giveaway contest.
and now, one final exercise tip: join our lost souls club andwalk a mile in someone's shoes
this will save wear and tear on your own shoes. also a mile should tell you how well the shoes fit and by then they will be yours
one last exercise tip.
1. find your old exercise equipment
2. dust it off and use it for more than a clothes rack
one more exercise tip.
1. look at your exercise equipment
2. then look at yourself in the mirror
3. can you tell which one is the dumbbell?
4. which one is most likely to get picked up?
Q. my feet get sweaty when I exercise. are there special socks I can wear to prevent this?
A. sorry but we can't answer that here. if you leave your name and pin number argyle call you
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